countdown.

i turn 18 in 14 days.
my party is in 11 days.

so, there are two kingdoms. and here's how they work:
Kingdom of DARKNESS
logical, 2+2= 4
condemning
fear
death
sickness
lies

Kingdom of LIGHT
illogical, 2+2= 500
freedom
joy
life
health
truth
justice

the kingdom of darkness is a reality and it is life without Jesus, Jesus is who brings us from darkness into light. who takes logic and turns it into things that don't make sense. it doesn't really make sense for someone to die for someone who doesn't even love them. but that's what Jesus did. he died so that we could walk out of the darkness and into the light. on earth, when people are living in the kingdom of darkness there is sickness, there is pain, but when you accept that Jesus died for you it opens a door into the kingdom of light. 
in the bible when people are telling others about Jesus and the kingdom they say repent and believe. believing is having faith, we cannot physically see Jesus, or what he has done, but by faith we believe that his grace overwhelms all the brokenness that we as humans carry. we can let go of the brokenness and instead of carrying that in our bodies we can carry the death and resurrection of Jesus. because when he died, he defeated death and sin, all the stuff that separates us from God, and came back to life. so there is the believing part.
repenting can be a little bit harder, repent isn't just saying sorry, the meaning of repent is to do a complete 180 spin away from the things you have done that separated you from Jesus and living a different life. a better life. a life that has values that are equal to the Kingdom of LIGHT. 
one of my favourite examples of the kingdom of light is the example
of the apostle paul. he wrote a whole big chunk of the bible. his books
are worth giving a read. full of some good stuff. anyway, paul. well 
actually at the beginning of his story his name was saul and he was 
going around killing Christians. not just paying out on them, he was
going around murdering people because they would openly say that
Jesus was God. Big no no in the day. one time Saul was going on the
road to a place called Damascus, just on his usual trip to kill some 
Christians. and then he saw a blinding light in the middle of the road.
litterally, the light turned him blind. the light was Jesus, he was like, 
Saul... come on dude, stop murdering my people, I'm Jesus and that
means I'm God. Comprende Amigo?! a guy named Annanais who was
tight with God then went and cared for Saul, who was no blind. and 
gave him some info about Jesus. after a few days, Sauls sight was
restored and he had a new name. PAUL. paul then went and started
to tell everyone that Jesus is God and Jesus died for everyone so that
they could enter the Kingdom of light. pretty rad guy, he repented, so
turned his life completely around into the Kingdom of light and he
believed, 100% that Jesus died for him. awesome example i say.

one another story i know of a great example of repenting and

believing and entering into the Kingdom of light. there was a 

woman called jane and she had turned away from God, she

had changed her attitudes and walked away from the kingdom 

of light. she wasn't doing so great, infact she was going through

some pretty tough things in her life. abusive relationship, not

connected to her family, stuff was pretty messed up. when things

got too hard living  in darkness she realised that how she was 

living wasn't pleasing to God. she declared again that she believed

in God and what he did for her and she repented. turned her life

180degrees around so that she was living a  Kingdom of Light life.

there aren't miracles in the kingdom of darkness, people aren't healed of cancer in the kingdom of darkness, but when your life is within the kingdom of light it overflows. where there is light there cannot be darkness because the light over comes darkness. the light overflows out of you and into others. it's contagious. 

where are you living? light? or darkness?

coz i know where i want to be.

the light.

Those who see God as angry
Do not see him rightly
if we do truly Christ is the saviour
Then we look upon a God of love
So when the devil gets in your face
telling you that you are unworthy
that you deserve hell and damnation
tell him this:
I deserve hell and damnation
what of it?
Because I know a man who made
Satisfaction on my behalf
His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God
where he is there I shall be also

The Chorus to my new song.
And he reaches his arms out wide
and he promises me now
that he loves me forever and always
as far as my arms can reach
it wasn’t the nails that held me there
it was my passion for you
my beautiful child
I love you, this much

i know i'm a lame as girl but the whole falling in love thing just sounds so cool. like walking on the beach holding hands. going on the ferras wheel together. praying together. loooove. ya know? haha lamest person ever, but that'a alright, i'm good with lame. i just think that the whole concept of falling in love is pretty cool.


1. EIGHTEEN IN 19 DAYS.
2. PARTY IN 16 DAYS.

one of those nice little things.

and this is what true love is! in animation.

sweetness.

i'm going to show you some of the raddest people i know.

elsie ally. my mate. she's pretty rad. because she likes the right tunes. watches the right shows. elsie ally. very, very rad.

anna kent. she's flipping hilarious. i don't really understand her humour. but i know it's there. she's made me feel so mega welcome at WCC for VET and yep. she's pretty flipping rad.









alex hutchison. the good kind of hutchison. anna will mock my life forever for putting him in here. but have you ever heard of 'mighty men' for God? alex is one of the mightiest men for God ever. and just plain mighty. i broke my hand punching his... bicep. (he taught me what all the muscles were called.)

amie beth. who is now eighteen. she's been my friend since year seven coz my sister paid her. she's pretty flippin rad. hence being mentioned. happy birthday ab.





okay. so that's just a few people who are pretty rad in my life. but whatever.


um. so i've been thinking about LOVE and how splendid that must be.
that special person who says 'i choose you' 'i love you' 'yes that does make you look fat' 'you're beautiful' 'go make me a vegemite sandwich'
yep. love is pretty great. there are pretty cool things in the bible about love.


one. there was this guy named Jacob and he saw a girl called Rachel, (i think her name was rachel) and then he saw her and thought she was so stunning and he walked over to her and kissed her. teared up a little bit and then asked her father if he could marry her. then his father said, work for me for seven years and you can marry her. he worked for seven years and then Rachels father tricked him and he married Rachels sister. but he loved rachel. so he worked for another seven years and then married Rachel.


two. moses, he was a bit of a loser, ran away from his home becauase he murdered someone, he had a bit of a speech impediment and notthing was going so great for good ol' moe. once he ran away he fell in love with the high priests daughter and they got married and went and served God together.

three. joseph and mary, well mary got pregnant and joseph was like... eh yeah sorry babe gotta bail coz he ain't my son. but joseph stayed and raised the boy as his son and loved him like a son. he stuck by mary.

four. there was a chick called hannah and she couldn't have children. this broke her heart as her husbands other wife had a bunch of sons. hannah was so broken hearted but then her husband said to her, 'don't i mean more to you than ten sons?' a son was like a prize and the best thing ever, and he wanted to mean more to her than what it meant to have a son.

well ain't those things so lovely?

my birthday is in 20 days.

what a day.

so i got a call from my mum at lunch time today telling me that my uncle was missing. that didn't make me feel so happy! i started crying, my friends came and gave me love and some of them prayed for me while i stood there in tears. then mum picked me up and just as she got to school she got a message from my grandma saying that after a bunch of not very happy hours my uncle was found. very good news. very naughty uncle!

anyway.


i have love for the love language test. i've done it a million times and i recommend everybody does it. it's purpose is to put a name to the way in which you feel most loved from others and then the way that you  feel best in sharing love.
my love language is: receiving gifts 

lucky my birthday is coming.

city and colour. forgive me.

 pixie lott. broken arrow.

my daily happenings.

my mum. Judith susan shaw. My best friend in the entire world. She understands how I’m feeling without me having to explain it. She’s really cool, my mum. There’s this one thing that we always have issues with though. She walks into my room and sees mess. I walk into my room and see my bed, some clothes… just my stuff chilling around my room, there’s no mess. She’s crazy. I don’t know if maybe it’s because I am blind in one eye, or because I’m not a mum, but even in the lounge room, she’ll say ‘we have to vacuum the floor!’ I look at the floor for a minute, trying to understand where this mess is that she wants vacuumed. ‘looks alright to me.’ I’ll say. Mum will just roll her eyes and hmph and hah at me. ‘the floor is so dirty! It’s disgusting!’ I don’t see it. Not at all, my mum is simply crazy. But that’s okay, because I love her anyway. Despite her being one of those crazy, can see dirty things, when they aren’t there, kinda people.

Today is my friend Kirra’s birthday. I’m actually with her right now. She’s really cool. Funny story. Me and kirra weren’t friends at all really throughout our first few years of high school but we went through really similar stuff. Rocking up to high school without any already made friends. Going through high school struggeling with friendship groups and all of those fun little things. Then we were both in CNS which was the most fun ever class in the world. We were sitting on some tables against a wall in the S block one day in this class and we were talking. I had said about how much I struggled to let myself feel loved by my friends. How I felt like I couldn’t trust any of my friends because my experience of friends is that they’ll only betray that trust. Kirra felt the same about herself. We realised that in the last few years we had gone through similar things and it was ridiculous that we weren’t friends before. Since then we’ve been friends! YES! She’s one of the funniest most fun ever people and I love hanging out with her. We have English together and we pretty much just laugh the entire time. She is such a blessing on my life and I thank God for her all the time.

happy birthday kirralee!

So something that I’m absolutely loving is How I Met Your Mother, it’s pretty rad. I love it. It’s funny. It’s… okay, it’s not that clean I won’t lie. But it’s funny. And it makes you just love the scummy boys that go around teasing girls and stuff. But oh he’s so cute and we love him. Rhahaha.

What else do we love kids? We love… Julian Smith!

1.       Kirra is the best

2.       Miiranda is pretty cool

3.       Elsie is the gayest person alive

4.       Hanging with Josh and Sam on Sunday was fun

5.       Mel Hallett is the coolest cousin going around.

6.       Being a bridesmaid is really fun

7.       We’ve got our flowers picked for our wedding

8.       I am going for my P’s soon!

9.       I turn eighteen in not very long

10.   I have my eighteenth birthday party soon

11.   My mum is making me chocolate ripple cake for my birthday

12.   Elsie currie is making me a birthday cake too

13.   Hanging with elsie on Friday is going to be rad.

14.   Kirra is the best.

15.   Oh I said that already

16.   Aw, well. Kirra is the best

17.   I love Kirra

18.   Did I mention Kirra?

19.   Oh look! Kirra’s name is in my blog!

20.   So many times, KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA.

KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA

seminar2.

first of all. i spent my evening baking for my beautiful friend Kirra. I took everything out of the oven, checked that it was all cooked. It was perfect. I went back to them just then to see if they were cool enough to ice. They had all sunk. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand!


okay. meltdown over.


i'm a massively broken person. come from a 'broken' home. have had broken friendships, broken relationships, broken arms. i'm a broken person. i've allowed myself to be in the situation where i give people permission to break me. it's a teenager thing i believe. but i'm so far from perfect. none of this is self loathing, it's honest. i allow people to dictate how i feel and what i think of myself. i'm a broken, broken, broken person.
there's this dude in the bible, named paul he was pretty broken. he was aware of his inequeties and knew about how totally screwed up he was most of the time. he did however give this wonderful revolation.

"i will boast in my weakness, because when i'm week you are strong. in my weakness your power is made perfect."

so even though i am so ridiculously messed up. so so broken and hurt. i'm actually pretty okay. more than okay. because i have a GOD who loves me and who is strong when i am weak. and who loves me so much that his love for me held him onto a cross, to die for me, so that because he was broken but is fully restored, i too can be restored by him and through him.

1. my party is in 18 days.

2. i turn 18 in 22 days.

3. term 2 ends in 38 days.

4. tcac is in 47 days.

5. 55 days until the VCE formal.

so. elsie currie hates me today. because i woke her up 'in the middle of the night' by a text. now by 'middle of the night' that actually translates into 11:30. poor little currie.

SEVENTY FOUR DAYS UNTIL BEC AND MICHAEL GET MARRIED!

suntag.

today i woke up to my sister calling me. before 8 a.m. some people would love to wake up to their loving siblings. i simply groan, press reject and go back to sleep. so then she called mum. rad as move there rebecca louise. from then i got ready for church and headed off.

deliverer come set me free

break every chain holding me

deliver come have your way

i surrender to your rule and reign.

so, i'm praying right now that God gives me patience. patience when it comes to other people, when it comes to not knowing all of the answers, when it comes to teachers taking forever to mark my assessments. i need some patience in my life. not patients though. that would suck.

where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom

where the spirit of the Lord is there is healing

i've been filling out my application form for the school for youth leadership. it's actually sort of eye opening because some of the questions it asks me aren't just the surface questions that are easy to answer without any thought. what is my relationship with my family? messssed up. where will you be the year after you finish the school? um, yeah no idea. God? wanna answer that one? oh yeah. patience.

your blood is enough to break every chain

your blood is enough to break every chain

your blood is enough to break every chain

these fancy lights that you see in this building we call church? they do not serve a purpose. they may heighten your experience, they may make the experience more fun, more 'gen y'. but the lights are not there to worship. they are lights. when we have the lights and the fancy tech stuff, people are attracted to church, attracted to God? what brings people to church should be love. should be the Holy Spirit. not fancy lights, amazing tunes and hot preachers. they didn't have those things back in the bible when 2,000 people would get saved at a time. good yeah? yeah. i know.

peter returns.

last night i had a dream.
okay, so a while ago i wrote a blog describing a dream i had where this guy and me bought ice cream and pop tarts and went to church, no biggy right? well! knight in shining armour who i named peter.
This is what went down:


I was in the car with two girls, one of them i think was a close friend and the other was a bit of a cow... all of a sudden Peter was in the car sitting next to me. He'd been drinking a bit, he smelt like a brewery. I asked him how tonight went, he was meant to be preaching. He kept dodging the question and was acting like a gone drunk boy. Eventually he said he didn't preach, so i asked why not? He hmm'd and huh'd for a while and eventually said he couldn't because his mum was there and he couldn't preach in front of his mum. Our faces were like... 3cm away from each other and he didn't smell like beer anymore, which is brilliant. He kept whining saying he couldn't talk in front of her, bla bla bla and that annoyed me. So i said, what if what God had put in your heart to say was for her. What if those words were meant for her. What if that's exactly what she needed. Just being my nagging usual self :)
So these other two girls in the car, one was driving and the other kept whispering into the driving girls ear. The girl driving was the one who i was close with but the other girl kept saying stuff to her. "Look, Shez is just trying to get his attention away from you" "You're the one he would be interested in not her, she's just making him not think of you" "She's being selfish and ruining your chances". See? A cow! Because the girl driving wasn't even into him! But this other girl sitting there was winding her up and planting these crap as thoughts in her mind.
We all got out of the car and the two girls went somewhere, i think into his church, i think... But me and Peter were standing around talking, he'd sobered up. Once again, the dream wasn't anything overly exciting but it encouraged me to be a woman that honours her husband, her boyfriend, her whatever. Which is what the bible says to do! So that's pretty awesome when you wake up from a dream feeling like God has revealed something to you, or reaffirmed something in you.


so that was my dream. 




let's see where He leads me.

my future decided.

                                                                         i have a theory that whatever you do   

                                                                                                               you should do it with all of your heart.

me and elsie currie are going to go on the amazing race.

i've been reminded lately about how awesome old school stuff is.

i love looking at old photos. 

i love old family recipes.

i love old vintagey clothes.

i love old school music.

i love old ninties music.

i love old people who don't smell like old people.

today i had an assessment that went for three hours. i wanted to stress about it and worry about my grades. i want to be the best person i can be. if that means that i can't analyse a 'media source' effectively, i'm cool with that...

this is what i get up to when i have free periods at school.

i know nothing about NRL but i need to get me a team. my auntie wants me to go for The Dragons...

my uncle wants me to go for... Wests Tigers? my sister goes for the Canberra Raiders and my other uncle would love it if i went for the South Sydney Rabbitohs ...

 i don't want to be the only person in NSW next year who doesn't have an NRL team! that'd be LAAAME!

God loves you. So much. He loves you so much.

No matter what you've done.

No matter how many lies you've told.

No matter how many people you've slept with.

No matter how many joints you've smoked, beers you've downed. 

No matter what you do or what you will do.

God loves you. So much. He loves you so much.

No matter how many swear words you say.

No matter how many people you hit.

No matter how many tests you cheated on.

No matter how many people you've hurt.

God loves you.

He loves you so much that he doesn't want you to go to hell.

We all deserve hell. But God sent his son, Jesus, to die so that we didn't have to die for our sins.

Now all we have to do is die to our sins and live for Jesus.

It doesn't mean that nothing bad will happen.

It doesn't mean that the storms won't come.

That people won't hurt you.

That sickness won't happen.

But when those things happen, you are attached to a fixed point.

You won't be moved. 

Because God loves you. So much. And he will hold you through your pain.

He's the best. He wants to spend as much time as he can with you. He would do anything to save you. He died the worst death to save you.

And when you love things more than you love God, he is jealous for you. He just wants to overwhelm you with his love.

i'm so excited for next year.

sydney.

sydney.

sydney.

sydney.

in other news. Emma and Dave got married! YEAAAAAH!
they're two of the coolest people i know and they are MARRIED!!!

i can't wait to get married. it'll be the best.

firsts things first.

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I'll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
So gone are all my questions about why
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/newsong/when_god_made_you.html ]
Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you,
I wonder if He knew everythin I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must've been thinking about me.

He made the sun He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can't do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know it's true,
Your for me and i'm for you and my world
Just can't be right without you in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

He must have heard every prayer I've been praying. He must've knew everything I would need

When God made you, He must've been thinking about me.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/n/newsong/#share

having a coke with you...

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne 

or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluoresent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I'm with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o'clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
                                                                                                    I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it's in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven't gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn't pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
                            it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it

-Frank O'Hara

so far.

i've sit around since easter thinking, i should write another post, it's been a while. i guess i'm doing it now.


God loves to look at us and loves it when we look back at him. even when we try to run away from our troubles God will find us, bless us, even when we feel most alone, unsure, God will find a way to let us know that He is with us in that place wherever we are.

i'm a green light.

KINGDOM COME.

I am resurrected with Christ I am rescued by Christ

Sydney has giant Lego, every little boys dream

We need to have no idols, we must leave everything for God

Salvation is impossible through a person, only God delivers us from evil and eternal hell

Elsie is so lame!

SIN IS A WASTE OF TIME. SATAN IS A THIEF. 

LET'S PLUNDER HELL

&

POPULATE HEAVEN

ohaii cute boys.

Auburn Salvation Army is pretty cool.

one kind word can warm three winter months.

Samantha Davis is a nutter. She is so much fun.

i got chills. they're multiplying and i'm loosing control.

we are all chosen, commissioned by God

as apart of the priesthood of all believers

to serve and honour him.

he is jealous for me. his love rushes around me and knows me to my knees
crushed by his mercy. when you encounter the love of God you are changed.
God wants to have an encounter with us. we are never the same after we
encounter the love of God. if you've experienced the Love of God you'd know
because you will have been changed.

i'm more concerned about who i am going to become than what i will do.

i think the thing that i am fearful of next year is being somewhere where i don't know people. where it's me without a million people around me who i can hang out with and talk to. making new friends? that's a pretty scary thought when i've not really had to be in the position of needing new friends for quite a few years.

elsie is gay.