i'll go.

this weekend was one of the biggest weekends in the salvation army calendar. the commissioning and ordination of the salvation army officers. it's my favorite time of year. seeing people who have over come all obstacles and laying down their lives to follow the call of Christ on their lives.


i've been spreading this really cool advice lately, advice that i said was more for 'them' than for me. it's something like this:

don't feel like you need to wait to be in a relationship and heading to marriage to start your ministry. start your ministry and obey what God calls you to do and through that he will provide what/who you need. don't wait for the partner, start right away in what God wants you to do.

good advice i believe. but advice that i've been unwilling to really accept. in the last two days that has changed. and now this is where i stand:

i'll go, whenever, wherever, with or without someone, i'll go. it's not about my will, it's about is, it's not about my insecurities it's about his overwhelming power. there is no response to his grace that makes sense, other than to obey, no matter what the cost.

i see no logical response to the grace of God than to do what he has called me to do. 

-- so let's see where he leads me.

 

 

i know nothing

the last few months have taught me something, i know nothing. i'm not as smart as i like to think i am, i don't have answers to anything. i don't understand why good things happen, don't understand why bad things happen. i don't understand why relationships end, friendships end, why people let you down. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. but i know a few things. God is good through it all.

God loves you. So much. He loves you so much.

No matter what you've done.

No matter how many lies you've told.

No matter how many people you've slept with.

No matter how many joints you've smoked, beers you've downed. 

No matter what you do or what you will do.

God loves you. So much. He loves you so much.

No matter how many swear words you say.

No matter how many people you hit.

No matter how many tests you cheated on.

No matter how many people you've hurt.

God loves you.

He loves you so much that he doesn't want you to go to hell.

We all deserve hell. But God sent his son, Jesus, to die so that we didn't have to die for our sins.

Now all we have to do is die to our sins and live for Jesus.

It doesn't mean that nothing bad will happen.

It doesn't mean that the storms won't come.

That people won't hurt you.

That sickness won't come.

But when those things happen, you are attached to a fixed point.

You won't be moved. 

Because God loves you. So much. And he will hold you through your pain.

He's the best. He wants to spend as much time as he can with you. He would do anything to save you. He died the worst death to save you.

And when you love things more than you love God, he is jealous for you. He just wants to overwhelm you with his love.

there's a guy...

there's this guy.

he calls me beautiful everyday.

when i think of other guys he get's jealous.

when i worry more about what my friends think he hates it.

he doesn't doubt the good i can do.

he still loves me when i hurt him.

i never have to start the conversation coz he's always eager to talk to me.

when i ignore him he waits for me.

he's never lied to me.

he's never denied me.

he always listens to me even when i'm being ridiculous.

he laughs at my stupid jokes.

he tells me to be quiet when i've said enough.

he loves me even when i say too much.

he always keeps his promises.

he never chooses someone else over me.

he wants to see me live up to my full potential.

he intercedes for me.

he tells me the truth, even when i don't want to hear it.

he knows exactly what to say to make me laugh.

he knows exactly what to say to stop my tears.

he's a gentleman.

he knows exactly what to do to stop my doubts.

even when i'm angry at him, he still throws all his love on me.

he promised me he'd never leave me.

he trusts me.

he loves me so much that not only would he lay his life down for me, but he did.

he has never broken my heart, but loves those who do.

he knows all of my secrets.

he knows everything i've done.

he holds me tight when i'm falling apart.

he sings to me everyday.

he made the sun shine for me today.

he reminds me of his promises when he throws up a rainbow.

he's my best friend in the whole world.

so i won't worry about tomorrow because i'm trusting in him. my heart is his.

brutal.

i sometimes wish that i was the kind of person who brutally fights for what they want. not just when you go to a shop and fight for those size nine heals that you saw first. not just fighting to be with someone that you love. but fighting the good fight like paul wrote about in the bible. i want to be brutal. i want to be fierce. i would love to be intimidating. but really, most of all, i would love to be the kind of person who fights for what they want. there are things i want that i let slip away because being passive is easy, losing things is easy, once their lost it's hard to accept that, but fighting can be scary. and i have my fears, so many of them. so i want to be brutal and fight. i want to fight for what i want. and what i want is to have a heart for what God wants. 

GOD WANTS:

- everyone to encounter his love

- everyone to have a home

- everyone to live in freedom

- everyone to be released into his joy

- everyone to be fed

- everyone to have water

- everyone to be free of addictions

- everyone to be free from sickness

i want to want what God wants. i want to fight for it. i want to fight for justice so that every person can live under the freedom that comes from Christ and what he did. i want to fight for his love so that all can encounter it and know it, carrying that love inside me and allowing it to over flow into every aspect of my life. i want to fight for joy when happiness and other things in the world fail, for the joy of the lord to be the strength of the people, my strength. i want to fight for equality so that every person can have a meal, so that no one will go hungry and they will have the availability to the right of food. i want everyone to have clean water so that children won't die of sicknesses that are brought on by unclean water. i want to fight for a world that is free of addiction because in the kingdom of heaven there is no addiction and i am living within the kingdom. i want to fight for people to be healed from sickness in the name of Jesus because no matter where we are healing is in his hands.

"anyone who sets himself up as religious by talking a good game is self deceived. this kind of religion is hot air and only hot air, real religion, the kind that pleases God the Father is this: reach out the homeless and the loveless and guard against corruption from the Godless world, I can't stand your religious meetings, I'm fed up with your conferences and conventions, I want nothing to do with your religion projects, your pretentious slogans and goals. I'm sick of your fundraising schemes and public relations and image making. I've had all I can take of your noisy ego music when was the last time you sung to me? do you know what I want, I want justice, oceans of it, I want fairness, rivers of it. that's what I want. that's all I want."

While women weep, as they do now, I'll fight; while little children go hungry, as they do now, I'll fight; while men go to prison, in and out, in and out, as they do now, I'll fight; while there is a drunkard left, while there is a poor lost girl upon the streets, while there remains one dark soul without the light of God, I'll fight-I'll fight to the very end!

-- william booth

so let's get brutal. the kingdom of heaven is forcefully advancing. and forceful people take hold of it. let's be brutal.

new song again.

so this is my twenty minute effort of writing elsie a song.
she didn't ask me to write her a song.
that would be pathetic.

enjoy :)

Jesus Wins

.i was thinking in the car about what my testimony is.




i've grown up in the salvation army, with parents who have served and lived within the army as well. growing up i've been blessed to grow up being taught about Jesus and who he is and what he did, what that means for me and the whole world. 
when i was eight years old i had my first (that i recall) personal encounter with God, it was at the Hillsong Conference in Sydney. from then i prayed all the time and loved being at church worshipping with my family and friends. i still remember standing next to mum listening to her sing the harmonies in all the songs. 
so i had a lot of head knowledge of what it was to be a Christian and what it meant to be saved. there was a lot of knowledge and i loved to learn about God but it was always more head than heart.
when i was sixteen i went to eastern victoria youth councils, there i sat, talking to God, telling him to move in my friends lives, because they clearly needed him and weren't close to him. then all of a sudden i felt an overwhelming sense of Gods voice telling me that i needed him too. so with the song 'it is well with my soul' being sung by all the campers i fell to my knees in tears and repented and asked God to completely enter me. i gave him everything. that was an amazingly smart decision :)
life was not perfect after that, i struggled with friendships, with family situations, with school, self doubt, there was a lot that i still struggled with, but God had my heart and that was good.
when i was seventeen, in november and december of 2010, i was all of a sudden hating everything. i was angry all the time. everything and anything set me off, i'd yell, i'd cry. it got to the point where i couldn't sleep in my room. i was actually scared to be in my room, luckily my sisters room was right next door and she was rarely in it. and when she was, there was the couch. so at the time, it was great coz i didn't have to worry about going in my room a lot coz i had other places to sleep. one night me and my mum were at a dinner party and i just sat there, mum knew stuff was going on, that something was wrong. but i couldn't talk about it, i had no words, i just hated everything. the worst i can remember this all getting was one night when mum came into my room with me and asked me if i wanted to talk about whatever was scaring me, i said no. she asked if we should pray, i was even more scared and said no, walked out and said i had to go have a shower. looking back, it's hard to believe that i could ever be in such a dark place, but i lay on the floor of my shower and the thoughts of fear and hatred kept flooding in, i didn't want to live anymore. for whatever reason.
so.positive thing. when all of this was 
going on, and i was scared and felt no 
connection to God i still would sing praises
to him. all the time. at every church service,
at every event, in the car, i would still sing
praises to God. and that's because even 
though i could not feel him, the knowledge
of his existence was enough for me. in my
moment of utter desperation and loneliness
the fact that i didn't think i could feel God
wasn't the issue. his existence was worthy
of praise. my perception of absence from
his presence sucked. but i still would worship
in whatever way i could, his goodness never
ended. his love for me never ended. even 
when i felt like dying. he is the same every day.


okay, so at commissioning 2010, all this was going on and as i had been doing a lot i was in tears, my friend hannah was with me and was like... yo man what's happening? my old youth pastor was found and he came over and spoke to me. he asked me what was going on and i told him how scared i was and how crap everything was. how i was too scared to sleep in my room. he asked me if i'd been praying, i said yeah. he asked to who, i looked up and said... to, um... him. he looked at me again and said... to WHO? from what i'm told, my face looked like not my face, it had rebelion in it. i couldn't say the name of Jesus. i was prayed for and by the end of the time these people were praying for me, i just kept saying 'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...' it was great! 
after this i went into my room with someone and we prayed, trying to figure out what it was that had scared me out of my room. after praying and praying, a book came to both our minds. this book had talked about evil spirits, witchery, things that are not of God. i stopped reading this book after reading about this girl who was dabbling in these things (the girl did turn her life around into the hands of God, HALLELUJAH!) but i didn't read up to that bit, i stopped at the evil stuff she did get into. i took the book outside, tore it up, burnt it. got rid of it. 
JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS.


i think that something that i learnt from this, less than fun experience. is that spiritual warfare is so so so real. but that we have full victory in Jesus. in the bible it says that every power on earth and in the spiritual world is commanded by the name of Jesus. time and time again this is shown in the bible and in the world today.


so where i'm at now, testimonily... well:

i am chosen. i am free. i am living in the kingdom. for the kingdom. for Christ. 
Jesus won. Jesus wins. Jesus is winning.

elsie.alexandria.currie.

c u r r i e -- just in case you're wondering

this is my best friend elsie alexandria currie. 

it is her sixteenth birthday today. 

to celebrate i will write an accrostic poem!

Excellent 

Loud
Sassy
Idiot
Enjoyable

Awkward
Loser
Entertaining
Xylophone 
Amusing
Negro
Dork
Rad
Intelligent (ha.)
Awesome

Creative
Unique
Raucous
Respectful
Illegal
Educated

we love the beach, especially together. like when we went
away to angle sea together and caught crabs. ate ice cream
saw 'the dillema' which was such a dilema. we stayed up
watching girly movies, old classics and we had the best summer. 

                                

it is her birthday today. she is now sixteen years old. sweet sixteen. she's the sweetest of the sixteens. in our time as friends we've had some tears. some annoying moments and some hilarious ones. we've adopted each others families as the others. we've talked boys. we've talked friends. we've talked 'friends'. we've gotten

                                                      to the point where we finish each

                                                      others sentences. we look at each other 

                                                     and know what the other is thinking.

                                                     we know how cool we are so you dont

have to tell us, or be jealous but lets face
it, who wouldn't be? she always looks out for me even when i don't want her to and i trust her with everything. i've been blessed to go on trips with her whether it be to 24 hour kmart or to anglesea, blessed to pray with her and have her pray with me. playing songs together on piano, singing out  
                                                      of tune in emilio, rapping to my fave
                                                      song. i've never had anyone in my life
                                                      who knows me as well as my mate elsie
                                                      she is my christina yang.

happy birthday elsie!

love you long time best friend.

to sir, with love.

Those schoolgirl days of telling tales and biting nails are gone
But in my mind I know they will still live on and on
But how do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy, but I'll try

If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high 'To Sir, With Love'

The time has come for closing books and long last looks must end
And as I leave I know that I am leaving my best friend
A friend who taught me right from wrong and weak from strong
That's a lot to learn, but what can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start
But I would rather you let me give my heart 'To Sir, With Love'

so basically school is almost over, the year is almost over. that's a little thing. but today is my best friend in the worlds birthday! and i was listening to this song and thinking about her for a heap of these lyrics.

there are others that i was thinking about in this song. you read it. you know who you are. fool.

it's this whole concept of: a friend who taught me right from wrong, and weak from strong, that's a lot to learn, what can i give you in return.

--elsie currie. one of those friends who tells you to shut up
when you are talking crap. or tells you what she thinks even
if it's not what you want to hear. she's so flipping strong. and
she helps me be strong too. best. ever. cool.

how do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume-- how do you thank someone who helped you grow up. who has changed your life. well, 'it isn't easy but i'll try'

i'm grateful to a crap load of people for how they've taught me things in life.

the last four months.

these last four months of my life have been ridiculous. i haven't written about them because when stuff was so good, it was like... my secret. my little joy that was just for me, that i didn't have to share with the world. but then when things were crappy, i didn't want to write because i hate that whiny girl who complains about stuff on the internet. 

but i guess this song really hits home at the moment. stuff is over now. 'the time has come for closing books and long last looks must end'. it's over, whether it's good or bad, it's over now, it's time. 'and as i leave i know that i am leaving my best friend'.

so... yeah. august is almost over and these last few months are done. the feelings, the hurt, even the ridiculous amount of happiness. those things are gone. and because i wouldn't write about them in my journal. this post is pretty much the evidence that stuff was perfect, for a few hours beneath the trees.

... this has dragged on. so to close. all i have to say is....

if you wanted the sky i would write across the sky in letters that would soar a thousand feet high: 'To Sir, With Love'

january.

so i was thinking about this year. and the fact that it's gone pretty quickly. that a lot has happened and changed.
also i've realised that i stopped blogging because it got to the point where even though so much was going i never could write about it. my journal which was filled on every page has some significantly blank pages now. because writing about what was happening seemed to make it all look too real. if you write it down then maybe the dream will end or you'll realise it's all too good to be true. whatever it was that stopped me writing. i think i need to start writing again. yep. so here's a bit of writing.

the past is a very long time ago

new years was fun. the first day of the year i spent sleeping while watching vampire diaries with my best friend.
the 2nd of january i finished reading my devotion book that talked about how God created men and women.
3rd january. i had a teenage moment where i thought my parents were the enemy.
4th january. i got to have a great time with one of my closest friends.
5th january. i watched this mega depresso but uber romantic movie called bright star, elsie saw titanic for the first time with me, jordan, chris, luke, joel, hollie and clare.
6th january. i watched the stupid depressing movie again and was reminded that i need to wait on Gods timing and remember that waiting for love is worth it, waiting on God is worth it.
7th january. i flew to sydney, to go to kingdom come. i ate a pink person doughnut, me and a friend made up after not talking for a while. Romans 8:28, 31, 34, 37-39. -- we are raised again in Christ as conquorers, as he conqured sin.
8th january: i went to an aquarium, i apparently made out with a dugong, we caught a ferry, i remembered that we need to have no idols, every part of us must be for God. Salvation is impossible through a person.
9th January: we went to the Auburn Salvation Army, and it was really fun. Let's plunder hell and populate heaven. our God saves. i prayed for release from dodgy stuff, and it happened. i rememberd that sin is a waste of time.
10th January: First day of Kingdom Come. Me and Sammy Davis made some really cool friends. 'God needs to be the only name that awakens my soul. the only name that makes me go crazy love aaahhhh' . i realised that maybe i had a crush.
11th january: 'we were made for a reason, we were made to drink from his well and we'll never be thirsty, we were made in his image, we were made to be wise, and to love, and to forgive and to hope and have faith.' today i sung in front of everyone at kingdom come. crush on a boy. hilarious. i wrote today about how much i love my friend sam matear.
12th january: me and sammy davis had a hilarious girly giggly crushin on boy moment on this day. seriously. life.was.so.simple.and.fun. me and elsie hugged, we cried. strange occurances.
13th January: 'sin is broken, death is defeated' last day of kingdom come.
14th january: looking back on this day in the journal, i didn't realise that some things i felt more recently where things i had thought about back at the start of the year. funny how you when you get your hearts desires sometimes it ends i guess.
15th january: i was on these medicationy things that made me really tired, so i slept a lot, woke up, sent a message while barely being concious, then when i was ACTUALLY awake, was mega embaressed. harhar. fun.
16th january: went to anglesea with the currie family today :)
17th january: another day in anglesea with my second family. thinking about love and what it would be like to be in love. watched the freakiest movie EVER. had an awesome day with elsie and the family :)
18th January: a little crush on a boy best friend. that was the complication. that didn't even matter. because life was fun, me and elsie watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and elsie's dog loves me better than he loves her. and i went fishing with elsie and rod. so.much.fun.
19th january: haha seriously for me this is entertaining, my big thought of the day? a boy said i was pretty. oh and the issue of the day... i may be a little bit jealous
20th January: today was the best we went to the beach with pete, sam, ham, britt. it was the best. except that me and elsie got crazy burnt
21st January: when harry met sally is a great movie. 'penguins are the neil patrick harris of the animal kingdom'
22nd january: came home from anglesea and me and elsie helped bec buy something to wear to her 21st. there was one more day until michael proposed to bec. i'd known for weeks.
23rd january: my sister got proposed to today, the start of a new chapter in her and michaels life.
24th january: i love laughing, watching funny videos on youtube. that's what i did all day.
25th January: i love music, that's what i thought about, music.
26th January: today i hung out with elsie, liam, josh and sam. we had a picnic, we danced, we played on the trampolines, we watched a movie. some of the greatest friends.
27nd January: okay, year 12 camp is gay. but i have some great friends and i am really blessed to have great friends
28th January: i didn't want to go back to school.
29th January: becs party, 'i won't worry about tomorrow, giving you my fears and sorrows, where you lead me i will follow' God transforms ordinary people into extraordinary useful tools that he can use by his power and grace
30th January: i am chosen i am free i am living for eternity
31st January: 7th Heaven is the greatest show ever!!! i have an amazing family, i have amazing friends, i have great stuff. life is good.

so january was good.

new song

so i wrote a new song.
and it's pretty much just everything i'm thinking with some chords attached.

side note: i'm really sick. and not sounding my best

countdown.

i turn 18 in 14 days.
my party is in 11 days.

so, there are two kingdoms. and here's how they work:
Kingdom of DARKNESS
logical, 2+2= 4
condemning
fear
death
sickness
lies

Kingdom of LIGHT
illogical, 2+2= 500
freedom
joy
life
health
truth
justice

the kingdom of darkness is a reality and it is life without Jesus, Jesus is who brings us from darkness into light. who takes logic and turns it into things that don't make sense. it doesn't really make sense for someone to die for someone who doesn't even love them. but that's what Jesus did. he died so that we could walk out of the darkness and into the light. on earth, when people are living in the kingdom of darkness there is sickness, there is pain, but when you accept that Jesus died for you it opens a door into the kingdom of light. 
in the bible when people are telling others about Jesus and the kingdom they say repent and believe. believing is having faith, we cannot physically see Jesus, or what he has done, but by faith we believe that his grace overwhelms all the brokenness that we as humans carry. we can let go of the brokenness and instead of carrying that in our bodies we can carry the death and resurrection of Jesus. because when he died, he defeated death and sin, all the stuff that separates us from God, and came back to life. so there is the believing part.
repenting can be a little bit harder, repent isn't just saying sorry, the meaning of repent is to do a complete 180 spin away from the things you have done that separated you from Jesus and living a different life. a better life. a life that has values that are equal to the Kingdom of LIGHT. 
one of my favourite examples of the kingdom of light is the example
of the apostle paul. he wrote a whole big chunk of the bible. his books
are worth giving a read. full of some good stuff. anyway, paul. well 
actually at the beginning of his story his name was saul and he was 
going around killing Christians. not just paying out on them, he was
going around murdering people because they would openly say that
Jesus was God. Big no no in the day. one time Saul was going on the
road to a place called Damascus, just on his usual trip to kill some 
Christians. and then he saw a blinding light in the middle of the road.
litterally, the light turned him blind. the light was Jesus, he was like, 
Saul... come on dude, stop murdering my people, I'm Jesus and that
means I'm God. Comprende Amigo?! a guy named Annanais who was
tight with God then went and cared for Saul, who was no blind. and 
gave him some info about Jesus. after a few days, Sauls sight was
restored and he had a new name. PAUL. paul then went and started
to tell everyone that Jesus is God and Jesus died for everyone so that
they could enter the Kingdom of light. pretty rad guy, he repented, so
turned his life completely around into the Kingdom of light and he
believed, 100% that Jesus died for him. awesome example i say.

one another story i know of a great example of repenting and

believing and entering into the Kingdom of light. there was a 

woman called jane and she had turned away from God, she

had changed her attitudes and walked away from the kingdom 

of light. she wasn't doing so great, infact she was going through

some pretty tough things in her life. abusive relationship, not

connected to her family, stuff was pretty messed up. when things

got too hard living  in darkness she realised that how she was 

living wasn't pleasing to God. she declared again that she believed

in God and what he did for her and she repented. turned her life

180degrees around so that she was living a  Kingdom of Light life.

there aren't miracles in the kingdom of darkness, people aren't healed of cancer in the kingdom of darkness, but when your life is within the kingdom of light it overflows. where there is light there cannot be darkness because the light over comes darkness. the light overflows out of you and into others. it's contagious. 

where are you living? light? or darkness?

coz i know where i want to be.

the light.

Those who see God as angry
Do not see him rightly
if we do truly Christ is the saviour
Then we look upon a God of love
So when the devil gets in your face
telling you that you are unworthy
that you deserve hell and damnation
tell him this:
I deserve hell and damnation
what of it?
Because I know a man who made
Satisfaction on my behalf
His name is Jesus Christ, Son of God
where he is there I shall be also

The Chorus to my new song.
And he reaches his arms out wide
and he promises me now
that he loves me forever and always
as far as my arms can reach
it wasn’t the nails that held me there
it was my passion for you
my beautiful child
I love you, this much

i know i'm a lame as girl but the whole falling in love thing just sounds so cool. like walking on the beach holding hands. going on the ferras wheel together. praying together. loooove. ya know? haha lamest person ever, but that'a alright, i'm good with lame. i just think that the whole concept of falling in love is pretty cool.


1. EIGHTEEN IN 19 DAYS.
2. PARTY IN 16 DAYS.

one of those nice little things.

and this is what true love is! in animation.

sweetness.

i'm going to show you some of the raddest people i know.

elsie ally. my mate. she's pretty rad. because she likes the right tunes. watches the right shows. elsie ally. very, very rad.

anna kent. she's flipping hilarious. i don't really understand her humour. but i know it's there. she's made me feel so mega welcome at WCC for VET and yep. she's pretty flipping rad.









alex hutchison. the good kind of hutchison. anna will mock my life forever for putting him in here. but have you ever heard of 'mighty men' for God? alex is one of the mightiest men for God ever. and just plain mighty. i broke my hand punching his... bicep. (he taught me what all the muscles were called.)

amie beth. who is now eighteen. she's been my friend since year seven coz my sister paid her. she's pretty flippin rad. hence being mentioned. happy birthday ab.





okay. so that's just a few people who are pretty rad in my life. but whatever.


um. so i've been thinking about LOVE and how splendid that must be.
that special person who says 'i choose you' 'i love you' 'yes that does make you look fat' 'you're beautiful' 'go make me a vegemite sandwich'
yep. love is pretty great. there are pretty cool things in the bible about love.


one. there was this guy named Jacob and he saw a girl called Rachel, (i think her name was rachel) and then he saw her and thought she was so stunning and he walked over to her and kissed her. teared up a little bit and then asked her father if he could marry her. then his father said, work for me for seven years and you can marry her. he worked for seven years and then Rachels father tricked him and he married Rachels sister. but he loved rachel. so he worked for another seven years and then married Rachel.


two. moses, he was a bit of a loser, ran away from his home becauase he murdered someone, he had a bit of a speech impediment and notthing was going so great for good ol' moe. once he ran away he fell in love with the high priests daughter and they got married and went and served God together.

three. joseph and mary, well mary got pregnant and joseph was like... eh yeah sorry babe gotta bail coz he ain't my son. but joseph stayed and raised the boy as his son and loved him like a son. he stuck by mary.

four. there was a chick called hannah and she couldn't have children. this broke her heart as her husbands other wife had a bunch of sons. hannah was so broken hearted but then her husband said to her, 'don't i mean more to you than ten sons?' a son was like a prize and the best thing ever, and he wanted to mean more to her than what it meant to have a son.

well ain't those things so lovely?

my birthday is in 20 days.

what a day.

so i got a call from my mum at lunch time today telling me that my uncle was missing. that didn't make me feel so happy! i started crying, my friends came and gave me love and some of them prayed for me while i stood there in tears. then mum picked me up and just as she got to school she got a message from my grandma saying that after a bunch of not very happy hours my uncle was found. very good news. very naughty uncle!

anyway.


i have love for the love language test. i've done it a million times and i recommend everybody does it. it's purpose is to put a name to the way in which you feel most loved from others and then the way that you  feel best in sharing love.
my love language is: receiving gifts 

lucky my birthday is coming.

city and colour. forgive me.

 pixie lott. broken arrow.

my daily happenings.

my mum. Judith susan shaw. My best friend in the entire world. She understands how I’m feeling without me having to explain it. She’s really cool, my mum. There’s this one thing that we always have issues with though. She walks into my room and sees mess. I walk into my room and see my bed, some clothes… just my stuff chilling around my room, there’s no mess. She’s crazy. I don’t know if maybe it’s because I am blind in one eye, or because I’m not a mum, but even in the lounge room, she’ll say ‘we have to vacuum the floor!’ I look at the floor for a minute, trying to understand where this mess is that she wants vacuumed. ‘looks alright to me.’ I’ll say. Mum will just roll her eyes and hmph and hah at me. ‘the floor is so dirty! It’s disgusting!’ I don’t see it. Not at all, my mum is simply crazy. But that’s okay, because I love her anyway. Despite her being one of those crazy, can see dirty things, when they aren’t there, kinda people.

Today is my friend Kirra’s birthday. I’m actually with her right now. She’s really cool. Funny story. Me and kirra weren’t friends at all really throughout our first few years of high school but we went through really similar stuff. Rocking up to high school without any already made friends. Going through high school struggeling with friendship groups and all of those fun little things. Then we were both in CNS which was the most fun ever class in the world. We were sitting on some tables against a wall in the S block one day in this class and we were talking. I had said about how much I struggled to let myself feel loved by my friends. How I felt like I couldn’t trust any of my friends because my experience of friends is that they’ll only betray that trust. Kirra felt the same about herself. We realised that in the last few years we had gone through similar things and it was ridiculous that we weren’t friends before. Since then we’ve been friends! YES! She’s one of the funniest most fun ever people and I love hanging out with her. We have English together and we pretty much just laugh the entire time. She is such a blessing on my life and I thank God for her all the time.

happy birthday kirralee!

So something that I’m absolutely loving is How I Met Your Mother, it’s pretty rad. I love it. It’s funny. It’s… okay, it’s not that clean I won’t lie. But it’s funny. And it makes you just love the scummy boys that go around teasing girls and stuff. But oh he’s so cute and we love him. Rhahaha.

What else do we love kids? We love… Julian Smith!

1.       Kirra is the best

2.       Miiranda is pretty cool

3.       Elsie is the gayest person alive

4.       Hanging with Josh and Sam on Sunday was fun

5.       Mel Hallett is the coolest cousin going around.

6.       Being a bridesmaid is really fun

7.       We’ve got our flowers picked for our wedding

8.       I am going for my P’s soon!

9.       I turn eighteen in not very long

10.   I have my eighteenth birthday party soon

11.   My mum is making me chocolate ripple cake for my birthday

12.   Elsie currie is making me a birthday cake too

13.   Hanging with elsie on Friday is going to be rad.

14.   Kirra is the best.

15.   Oh I said that already

16.   Aw, well. Kirra is the best

17.   I love Kirra

18.   Did I mention Kirra?

19.   Oh look! Kirra’s name is in my blog!

20.   So many times, KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA.

KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA KIRRA

seminar2.

first of all. i spent my evening baking for my beautiful friend Kirra. I took everything out of the oven, checked that it was all cooked. It was perfect. I went back to them just then to see if they were cool enough to ice. They had all sunk. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand!


okay. meltdown over.


i'm a massively broken person. come from a 'broken' home. have had broken friendships, broken relationships, broken arms. i'm a broken person. i've allowed myself to be in the situation where i give people permission to break me. it's a teenager thing i believe. but i'm so far from perfect. none of this is self loathing, it's honest. i allow people to dictate how i feel and what i think of myself. i'm a broken, broken, broken person.
there's this dude in the bible, named paul he was pretty broken. he was aware of his inequeties and knew about how totally screwed up he was most of the time. he did however give this wonderful revolation.

"i will boast in my weakness, because when i'm week you are strong. in my weakness your power is made perfect."

so even though i am so ridiculously messed up. so so broken and hurt. i'm actually pretty okay. more than okay. because i have a GOD who loves me and who is strong when i am weak. and who loves me so much that his love for me held him onto a cross, to die for me, so that because he was broken but is fully restored, i too can be restored by him and through him.

1. my party is in 18 days.

2. i turn 18 in 22 days.

3. term 2 ends in 38 days.

4. tcac is in 47 days.

5. 55 days until the VCE formal.

so. elsie currie hates me today. because i woke her up 'in the middle of the night' by a text. now by 'middle of the night' that actually translates into 11:30. poor little currie.

SEVENTY FOUR DAYS UNTIL BEC AND MICHAEL GET MARRIED!